| PLUS: One thing you SHOULD eat this Easter |
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 | | | ARE YOU NORMAL? | | If you vaguely want a six-pack and have kind of a man-crush on Tom Hardy, the answer is yes
Gentlemen, we salute you. The results of the Men's Fitness Body Survey are in, and – amid a metric tonne of wailing and gnashing of teeth in the mainstream media about how men are under more body-based pressure than ever – we're pleased to report that you, at least, are looking at things sensibly. Here are the highlights. | |
| | 49% of you want a better stomach | |
No surprises here: with everyone from Chris Pratt to Ken Carson (you know, Barbie's boyfriend) sporting a carefully-nurtured set of abs, it's not an enormous shock that this is the body part you'd most like to improve, but…
| 60% of you feel "generally positive" about your body |
Encouraging news: apparently all those billboards of footballers in their underwear and shirt-off scenes in Marvel films aren't damaging your self-perception as much as various scaremongers might suggest. Imagine that. |
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| | | 76% of you want to look like Tom Hardy more than any other star |
Gentleman, gym savage, serial dog-hugger: Britain's Most Versatile Actor™ isn't just a collection of flawless foreign accents and a ludicrous set of traps – he's also the sort of chap you'd happily share a pint with after an MMA session. You overwhelmingly voted him your body icon for 2016, and we certainly don't blame you. |
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| | | 11% of you are "always looking for an excuse to go shirtless" |
FYI, 39% of you are indifferent to going sans top, and a mere 21% admit to sucking it in a bit.
| 68% of you can do at least five pull-ups |
To the other 32%: get to the bar.
Want to know more about what makes the perfect body in 2016? Get the May issue of Men's Fitness – out next Wednesday. |
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| DEFEAT | | | HOW TO HANDLE IT LIKE A GENTLEMAN (OR NOT) | |
"Man is not made for defeat," Ernest Hemingway once said, but he'd clearly never played Call Of Duty online: do anything at a high enough level and defeat isn't just inevitable – it's a semi-regular occurrence. The key, as we've been reminded this week, is to deal with it well. Here's your cut-out-and-keep guide to losing with dignity.
Be like… UFC featherweight champ Conor McGregor, who went up two weight classes to lose a fiercely-contested war against boxer/grappler Nate Diaz. Following the bout, McGregor took to Instagram to address the ensuing rage-storm, keeping it brief: "I will never apologise for taking a shot… To the fans: never ever shy away from challenges. Never run from adversity. Face yourself head on. Nate I will see you again." Classy.
Don't be like… Everton manager Roberto Martinez, who continued to blame the Toffees' underwhelming season on officials, responding to a not-very-disputable red card for Kevin Mirallas by saying that it "should be harder to be sent off". Yes, that would solve everything.
If all else fails… Channel Jim Kelly from Enter The Dragon (pictured). "Defeat? If it comes, I won't even notice. I'll be too busy looking good." |
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 | | | HELLY HANSEN NORVIZ | | | BE SEEN IN STYLE | |
| | Want classy-looking running and cycling clothes that still light up like the Blackpool illuminations when a car headlight hits them? Of course you do – it's what we've been telling anyone who will listen. And thankfully Helly Hansen, the Norwegian adventure clothing brand, has come up hi-vis trumps with its Norviz range. We've been testing out the leggings, tops and lightweight jackets the last few weeks on evening rides through ill-lit country lanes – and we're still alive, so they clearly work. And style-wise, we really love the hidden ravey patterns in their sensible, stylish tops. The smart design didn't stop us hitting a badger the other night, but since he came off best in the exchange, we'll still call it a win. | |
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 | | | UNLEASH SHELL | | | WHAT TO CRAM IN YOUR FACE THIS EASTER | | For the man who already eats two dozen eggs a week (calm down, Gaston), Easter is a time to relax, put aside the chicken embryos for a day and tear into a foil-wrapped sugar-bomb the size of your own head. Still, there's no need to cast aside your #gymgoals entirely – invest in a quality oeuf and you'll benefit from increased deliciousness without suffering the post-binge regrets. Here's our selection.
Best egg Montezuma's Organic Dark Chocolate egg is a monstrous 78% cocoa solids (most eggs struggle to break 70), and comes with a smattering of similarly-dark buttons, rather than the usual sweets. Eggs-emplary (sorry).
Worst egg Just FYI, if you ate everything that comes in the box for the Cadbury's Creme Egg Giant Chocolate Egg, you'd be getting 2,748 calories and 278g of sugar – or, according to the NHS, nine days' worth.
Alternative egg Ostrich eggs weigh 2kg, are the equivalent of 24 regular eggs, have 196g of protein and take two hours to hard-boil. Challenge: egg-cepted (we'll leave now). |  |
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| 5 THINGS WE LEARNED THIS WEEK | |
1. Strongman and world champion deadlifter Eddie Hall (pictured) can put out 2,444 watts of power on a bike. Chris Hoy himself only just pips him with 2,680.
2. Meldonium, the cardiac drug that caused Maria Sharapova to fail a test and lose millions in endorsements as well as receiving a ban, can also be used to treat alcohol intoxication. #GoodToKnow
3. The rugby union position most prone to concussion is surprisingly not front-row forward – the guys whose job is it to smash themselves into the opposition regularly – but fly-half, according to stats compiled by the French federation.
4. In Texas Hold 'Em, an unsuited ace-king hand is called an Anna Kournikova, because it "looks great, but never wins".
5. Quarterback Peyton Manning, who announced his retirement on Monday, isn't just the possessor of two Superbowl rings and dozens of NFL records – he also owns 21 Papa John's pizza restaurants in Colorado… purchased two weeks before the state legalised recreational marijuana. |
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